This is what happens when Harper gets drunk
by Thissa
Summary: Need a laugh? Just read it. You won't regret it.


Fanfic **Legal Info:** I don't own the Andromeda universe, or any of the characters from the show. I just write about them. 

**Hosting:** If you want to host this story on your website, please do so - just give me credit and send me an email (thissa@home.com) letting me know the URL where it is hosted. 

**Text styling:** _Italic_ text is used to emphasize certian words. **Bold** text is used as headers, and has no effect otherwise in the story. 

**Rating:** Probably PG. 

**Author's Note:** This is a response to the Fanfic challenge on the TranceHarper Yahoo! Mailing list. The bold lines are the ones that I have chosen. 

_Write an Andromeda Fic involving Trance, Harper, and 3 of the following:  
**The song 'I'm to Sexy' by Right Said Fred**  
Dylan in the shower  
The line 'Egyptian style, girl.'  
Rommie in hot pink spandex  
Kissing in the med bay  
Tyr in a tutu  
Marsh-mellows  
Rev & Beka playing hop scotch  
A Utility Closet  
**The line 'Have you seen my force lance?'**  
**Sparkey Cola**_  
  
  


**This is what happens when Harper gets drunk** - An _Andromeda_ fanfic by **~Thissa~**

Shore leave. Day off. Rest time. Call it what you want, but Seamus Harper was excited...his had finally arrived. The Andromeda Ascendant was docked at a space station orbiting a planet known for it's gangs, bars, and troublesome people. 

Naturally, that's where Harper wanted to go. 

"Have you seen my force lance?" Harper was grabbing a few things before he left. His best friend, Trance Gemini was helping him get ready and advising him. 

"Yeah, it's under your pillow." Trance giggled as she pulled it out. 

"Umm, oh, right, how'd it get there?" Harper blushed. He grabbed it from her hand and clipped it onto his belt. "There we go. Talk to ya later babe, but I've gotta run!" He got up and ran to the door. 

"Wait, Harper. Are you sure that this is the right idea, sneaking out like this? I mean, I don't think you should be going down there. It's not safe!" Trance gave him a look that just made him feel guilty. 

"Look Trance - Dylan, Beka, Rev, and Rommie have gone to the station, Tyr's probably there too. That leaves me and you...and the Maru." Harper's mouth curved into a sarcastic smile. 

"Well then I'm coming too, to watch you and make sure you don't get into any more trouble." Trance jumped up and followed Harper out the door. 

*****That night...*****

Harper was sitting at a bar table with Trance, engaged in friendly chatter. The bartender didn't think Harper was _man enough_ to have alcahol, therefore he was reduced to drinking Sparky Cola. It was his favorite drink anyways so he didn't mind, except for the fact that he was the laughingstock of the bar. 

"Psst, Trance, do you think you could get me some vodka, or even a beer? I want to spike my Sparky!" Harper was practically begging her. 

"I dunno Harper, you're gonna owe me for this!" Trance walked over to the bartender, and after chatting with him for a moment, she returned to Harper with a _giant_ glass of vodka. 

"Holy crap! How did you manage to get that?" Harper was absolutly shocked. 

"Did I mention that I have infinite refills?" Trance gave him a sarcastic smile. 

"My dear sparkly purple babe, I am in debt to you for the rest of my life. Please tell me how you did that." Harper's eyes were wide and he was down on his knees, kissing her feet. 

"I sweet-talked the bartender." That stopped Harper dead in his tracks. 

"Wow, that sounds like something I would do...if I was drunk. But I'm not yet." He got up and sat back in his chair. "Time to get hammered..." 

Trance shuddered. She knew what would happen over the rest of the night. Literally. 

*****Later that night...*****

"You're listening to DHTT Inter-planetary radio. That was the Dynamites with We're gonna blow! Coming up after the commercial we have some classic music from Earth - I'm too Sexy by Right Said Fred." 

Trance was still at the bar table listening to the radio while she was pretending to listen to Harper rant and rave on about something. Harper had fulfilled his pledge to get hammered and had almost no form of rational thought left. 

Then it started playing: _I'm too sexy..._

Harper turned to look at Trance. "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" 

"I hope not." Trance looked at him, knowing what he was about to do. 

If Harper indeed had the slightest glimmer of a rational thought, it died when he jumped up onto the bar table, removed the force lance from his belt, extended it, and began pole dancing. 

The bar patrons were not surprised. They were obviously used to this kind of thing happening. When Harper's shirt flew through the air and hit the bartender, the bartender merely brushed it aside. 

By the time the song had come to a close, Harper's clothes were scattered around the bar. He was left wearing a pair of boxers and he was swinging his pants around in his free hand. But Harper was not prepared for what came next. 

He tossed his pants into the croud. They flew towards the door, which just happened to be opening... 

In walked Tyr Anasazi. Harper's pants landed ever so perfectly on Tyr's head. 

The bar went silent. Trance hid under the table, as did most of the patrons. 

Tyr brushed Harper's pants aside. He approached the table where Harper was standing, shocked. 

The last thing Harper saw was a fist coming towards him. 

*****The next morning...*****

Harper awoke with a massive hangover and a black eye. The entire crew was staring at him. After everyone took their 15 mins. each to yell at him, they left. 

His punishment? For one week, he had the honor of being Tyr's new punching bag. And to make matters worse, someone had removed all the asprin from Med Deck. 

But this is what happens when Harper gets drunk. 

  
  
**Author's note:** Hope you liked. And no, this doesn't have anything to do with _Coming Home_, just something to keep you from falling asleep in the meantime - next chapter for that will be a while...probably sometime in Sept. 

- **~Thissa~**


End file.
